Confusion

Okay so the following post will not make very much sense, I am confused and this is me trying to express what it is I am feeling, but honestly I don't know what that is. A couple things to note before reading. One I hate being punished I know we all do but I am just putting it out there. I hate when I get spanked, and I hate when I feel like I have made Ken feel any way other than delighted. Earlier today I was talking to a friend and we discussed how when our "HOH" reminds us how in Ken's words "I don't treat you this was I don't understand why you think it is okay" completely breaks us, and it's true it does. I enjoy making him proud of me and I really do respect him and want to submit to him. Two, I am not good at submitting, it's not natural for me (well it doesn't feel natural) generally I am in some sort of trouble at least every three days or so, and I wish that wasn't true. Third, Ken gets me, he understand things about how I am feeling and what I need even when sometimes I don't, and I have a love hate relationship with that ability. Forth, I am not the best writer (lol, but I write a blog) I try though, I really enjoy reading other DD blogs and the way those women are able to articulate themselves and make you understand what you were thinking is amazing to me, and I don't think I have that at this point. With all of that said this is what I wrote about half an hour ago and I have chosen not to even re-read it because it is how I was/am feeling.

Earlier today I wrote a blog post about how I am feeling much like "a ticking bomb" This is a first for             me...but this is the longest time I have gone without being in trouble as well (it's been about a week) I am really proud of myself and I really want this streak to continue for as long as possible. The rules that Ken has in place for me are important to me and I hate to let him down.

 On that note I am starting to feel well, confused really by everything I am feeling so here we go. I am anxious, upset, happy, irritated, controlled but mostly confused. This post isn't making any sense I know and I am sorry for that but right now I am not making any sense (if you know what I mean). Up until now I didn't think that DD was something I needed it is something I want for Ken and I because I know that it brings us closer together and to some degree our relationship needs it. And I guess I knew that I needed his dominance, and rules set in place, and a foundation from him and all of the things that this special relationship we have provides. I guess what I am saying is that I didn't know that I needed to be spanked in order to stay sane...and I am still not completely convinced that is true. 

I am so confused. Anyways I have tried my best to convey this to Ken, and I think he understands what I am trying to say better than I do haha so I have asked him to help me (Ken likes it when I do that, ask for his help, even though I know he will give it to me anyways) So he said he wants to think his decisions through and we will talk about it tomorrow. 

 I am both relieved and worried. also confusing. gah. 

Okay, Thankyou for reading this far haha, I appreciate it . A couple things to note after reading this. One, I technically have gone about two months without a spanking. You see, as some of you may know, Ken and I stopped "practicing DD" for about eight weeks, two months ago. It was different though because we were not in DD, I was angry when we stopped so was he, I had no interest in doing it again and I didn't think he did either (that is all in a different blog post however) the point is when we did "start again" it was different, so for the most part I feel like we have only been doing this for two months. Also during the break there were a million things distracting me from the thought of DD. When those million things subsided Ken introduced DD back into our relationship rather swiftly.

I would really love to hear some opinions on this post, and again Thank you for reading this far!