Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Okay so the following post will not make very much sense, I am confused and this is me trying to express what it is I am feeling, but honestly I don't know what that is. A couple things to note before reading. One I hate being punished I know we all do but I am just putting it out there. I hate when I get spanked, and I hate when I feel like I have made Ken feel any way other than delighted. Earlier today I was talking to a friend and we discussed how when our "HOH" reminds us how in Ken's words "I don't treat you this was I don't understand why you think it is okay" completely breaks us, and it's true it does. I enjoy making him proud of me and I really do respect him and want to submit to him. Two, I am not good at submitting, it's not natural for me (well it doesn't feel natural) generally I am in some sort of trouble at least every three days or so, and I wish that wasn't true. Third, Ken gets me, he understand things about how I am feeling and what I need even when sometimes I don't, and I have a love hate relationship with that ability. Forth, I am not the best writer (lol, but I write a blog) I try though, I really enjoy reading other DD blogs and the way those women are able to articulate themselves and make you understand what you were thinking is amazing to me, and I don't think I have that at this point. With all of that said this is what I wrote about half an hour ago and I have chosen not to even re-read it because it is how I was/am feeling.

Earlier today I wrote a blog post about how I am feeling much like "a ticking bomb" This is a first for             me...but this is the longest time I have gone without being in trouble as well (it's been about a week) I am really proud of myself and I really want this streak to continue for as long as possible. The rules that Ken has in place for me are important to me and I hate to let him down.
 On that note I am starting to feel well, confused really by everything I am feeling so here we go. I am anxious, upset, happy, irritated, controlled but mostly confused. This post isn't making any sense I know and I am sorry for that but right now I am not making any sense (if you know what I mean). Up until now I didn't think that DD was something I needed it is something I want for Ken and I because I know that it brings us closer together and to some degree our relationship needs it. And I guess I knew that I needed his dominance, and rules set in place, and a foundation from him and all of the things that this special relationship we have provides. I guess what I am saying is that I didn't know that I needed to be spanked in order to stay sane...and I am still not completely convinced that is true. 
I am so confused. Anyways I have tried my best to convey this to Ken, and I think he understands what I am trying to say better than I do haha so I have asked him to help me (Ken likes it when I do that, ask for his help, even though I know he will give it to me anyways) So he said he wants to think his decisions through and we will talk about it tomorrow. 
 I am both relieved and worried. also confusing. gah. 

Okay, Thankyou for reading this far haha, I appreciate it . A couple things to note after reading this. One, I technically have gone about two months without a spanking. You see, as some of you may know, Ken and I stopped "practicing DD" for about eight weeks, two months ago. It was different though because we were not in DD, I was angry when we stopped so was he, I had no interest in doing it again and I didn't think he did either (that is all in a different blog post however) the point is when we did "start again" it was different, so for the most part I feel like we have only been doing this for two months. Also during the break there were a million things distracting me from the thought of DD. When those million things subsided Ken introduced DD back into our relationship rather swiftly.

I would really love to hear some opinions on this post, and again Thank you for reading this far!


  1. First of all, great job on such an amazing streak staying out of trouble! Secondly all of us, I think go through those times when our feelings about everything are all jumbled up, and we're trying to figure it out! For me, I write anyway, and as I write, sometimes days and days what I'm feeling each day, things begin to clarify. But yeah, this is lifestyle is SO confusing. As you know, too, it's also always about communication, particularly if he knows where you are better than you do! Hang in there, and give yourself time! It's a process! Hugs! :)

  2. Ohh please don't "apologize" for your writing style!! There are no rules, this is your blog. Some people choose to write their blogs more formally, others choose to formulate their posts simply based on what's in their head, stream of consciousness, if you will. I like how honest your blog is!

    Sorry to hear you're confused right now :( Do you/have you done maintenance with Ken? My boyfriend and I just started and I personally really like it. I know it seems silly to get spanked just "because", however, if you can handle the pain, it's a great way for him to keep you grounded. The nice part is it's not punishment, as you haven't done anything wrong. So, you're not going to feel regret, disappointment, or remorse as he spanks. Really, it's just a reminder of who is in charge and it will bring you back to center. There are many ways to do it. For us, the spanking is firm but less intense than a punishment. He'll ask me to state who is in charge, etc. That's just what works for us though, it may be different for you! I think it's good to experiment. Maybe try letting him spank you this time and then see how it makes you feel after.

    I hope that helps! If you want to talk more on this, shoot me an email!