Friday, February 24, 2012

Insanity to Sanity and back again

This is from Thursday Night, however I wasn't able to get online to post it :) So here it is now!

I flew back to Ontario this morning, my flight was at 8:50 am Pacific time and I arrived at the Airport at 5:05 pm Standard time. It was a lot of travelling because from the Airport my Dad and I then drove back to my parent’s house and arrived at 9:00 pm. On top of that I am having a really bad day emotionally, I have been in and out of tears all day. Texting Ken non-stop even though I know that he is out with family and friends all day today. He is so good to me though he has been patient and understanding all day and that has been really nice. I don’t know why I have been feeling like such a wreck today, I have several ideas bouncing around in my head.

The first one being that it has been a long week, I am tired and missing Ken and I have just had enough emotionally weather I like it or not. Ken and I spent a year of our relationship living in different cities four hours apart, and since he has moved to the city I have noticed that not seeing him for this amount of time (or even shorter) feels impossible, my mind reverts back to when I only got to see him about once a month and I start to almost panic, it’s like I have abandonment issues. However Ken has never abandoned me and I know I will see him again soon, it’s ridiculous I know but I do this sometimes.

The second on being that I have been reeaallly good lately, and when I say this it means not only have I not gotten in any trouble, I have also received no warnings, I haven’t gone anywhere close to being in trouble. I have legitimately been an Angel for the past week and a half. But, here’s the thing, it’s not by lack of trying. I have been trying so hard! I have been watching myself, and trying to be supportive and submissive in everything I do. It’s exhausting. I feel like I have to be perfect and I don’t know how to get out of it.  I know that sounds weird, and I love making Ken happy and that is what I am trying my hardest to do. But honestly I am miserable.

Today I have been feeling low, and upset with Ken for it, and feeling like “if only he…then I would feel better” and I know that none of what I am thinking is true, Ken has been trying his best to talk to me as much as he can this week and connect daily. So because I know this I found myself trying not to burden him with my feelings that I know would upset him. (Just so we are clear, if I were to express these feelings to him in no way would I be in trouble). He knows I am not having a good day, and he wants me to share my feelings with him and I just can’t bring myself to do it. This has never been an issue for me before, I am a pretty open book, and I defiantly speak my mind and let my feelings be heard, often without thinking about how they come across or how they make others feel. Now I am glad that I am starting to be more sensitive however this is something I don’t want to lose. I like that I am honest and open, especially with Ken.

Ken asked me earlier tonight, “Baby, why are you being so guarded” and “Baby, please stop blocking me out”…I have never heard either of those sentences before, and I have no idea what to do. I want to share with him how I am feeling even though I am confused. He also had to remind me a couple times tonight not to “beat myself up” and that my “feelings are legitimate they don’t have to make sense they are still important to him”…these again are things I don’t generally need a reminder on.

I was on and off crying through our conversation too, and I couldn’t explain why. I was feeling bad for making him concerned and I kept apologizing for crying and for taking up his time with this.

I am feeling a little bit better now, and I think everything that I have said is what is making me feel so off kilter not just one of the things. I am overwhelmed with everything that I am feeling and everything that has been going on in the last week already, and I am trying to be perfect on top of that. It’s just to much.

I am going to get Ken to read this blog post, and hopefully that will help him out, because he seems to be understanding this a little better than I am, Mr. Calm Cool and Collected over there.  But I would like him to know how I am feeling and it’s hard to try and spit this all out.

A couple other things: related but not at the same time. This striving to be perfect thing isn’t new for me, I am a perfectionist in many things that I do, and this has just never been one of them. And I don’t think that it is good thing that it is becoming one. But here’s the thing, I am stubborn and determined so I got it in my head that I was not going to get into any trouble for 30 days, and I have been diligently devoted to that, but I am not ready for that yet. Ken and I just started back into DD two months ago, in many ways it is like we are back to square one, doing it all over again with new knowledge.

I need to be in this with Ken, and doing this challenge, although I think it’s an amazing idea, I have been doing it alone. I have been focusing all of my energy on what I need to do to stay out of trouble, and none on how Ken could help me, or how we could do it together. I don’t know how much sense that last part made, but I hope you understand what I am saying.

I am still trouble free, and I like that, but I am not going to make this wonderful thing that Ken and I have into something that I must be perfect at. We are learning together and I like that, although it can be rough and often I find myself over his knee. I want to trust him with me, all of me. Ken can handle a little trouble now and then, heck! It might even be good for him! Hehe. It certainly is good for me.

Ps. In reference to my last post Ken has decided that when we are away from each other for any length of time he is going to spank me before I/ he goes, and when we get back to each other.  At first I was not happy with this decision, I found it unfair that I had been so great and I was going to get spanked anyways. I felt like “then what am I being so good for?!” and then I remembered that he is not against me, we are a team and he knows what’s best for me. So, that is our new system. He called it a “sanity spanking” I asked whose sanity? And he laughed and told me both of ours. 

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