This is Goodbye

Hello There,

Barbie asked that I write this short message to you. So in short Barbie made a decision that resulted in my taking away her LDD and blogging privileges. This was at first to only be for a short time. As much as I hate it, I have decided that it will not only be for a short time. She will not be returning to this blog, or to LDD. I know that I come across as an awful person and other people will be upset as well, however I am the HOH in our relationship and this is my decision. 

Thank you to all those who have been there for Barbie, and I know she will miss you very much. I also thank you in advance for your understanding and respect.

Also, to those running the LDD site, if there is an outstanding balance on her account I would be more than happy to pay that. I have reviewed her paypal account and I did not see anything there, but please correct me if I am wrong. You can e-mail me at ddken-barbie@hotmail.com

Ken

Fun Fact

I have this thing, where about once a month I pull an accidental and unpreventable all-nighter. Tonight/ this morning is one of those times. It is now 6:30 my time, and I am waking Ken up around 8, and I work at 11. I have not slept, and I won't until tonight. I am not tired. Ken thinks it's the weirdest thing, haha, so do I really but it's been happening for a really long time so it's just something I do I guess. Not completely sure why I am blogging about it, but I am. Fun fact about Barbie I guess!

Doing better, much better :)

So I am going to give you a brief idea of what was going on with us last night, but no juicy details, partly because they aren't that juicy, I don't really remember them all, but mostly because I don't want to say so much that Ken would be embarrassed ( because come on guys, we know I didn't say anything to be embarrassed of! ;) ). 

This past 4 days or so if you have been reading my blogs, I have been going a little crazy. like a crazy psycho girlfriend, totally not proud of that, but it wasn't entirely my fault. I was feeling very insecure, Ken was far away ( and I am pretty used to this, so I had no idea why I was feeling this way) and we were talking at least once a day, and I was convincing myself that Ken was doing everything he could to connect with me, and that he had lots of things to do (all of which is mostly true) and I just needed to give him that time and enjoy myself in Vancouver, and I did. Near the end of the week I noticed Ken was acting weird, he was leaving his phone off charge and letting it die, and not texting me back, and calling me as usual but not really being there to talk to me. I went crazy, I felt abandoned and insecure, and unloved.

So lat night we talked about it. Ken could not for the life of him understand how in the span of a couple days, I could go from knowing how much he loved me to feeling so insecure. I didn't know how to explain that to him, and I couldn't understand why he didn't understand. He did admit to being a little evasive at the end of the week, and he apologized. In his not understanding though he did say something very hurtful to me, and which I responded with something just as hurtful. It wasn't okay for either of us to act that way and it took a lot of the night just to get over those words enough to talk about everything that had been going on in the past week. In the end we decided that what we were arguing about was hurt feelings more than anything, there was nothing to really argue about. It wasn't quick but after several hours of deciding we were going to hear the other person through and actually listening we began to understand each other. We are still working very hard on our communication and we are certainly not perfect. I love Ken so much, and I was so happy at the end of the night.

When all was said and done, Ken spanked me, what he calls "a sanity spanking" and it was, well I was relieved when it was over. It wasn't something that I enjoyed but I was glad he did it, I needed him and he was there.

ps. partly through typing this post I got spanked because I was supposed to be doing homework. But that's another post. 

It's Sunday

I have had a bad couple of days, confused and overwhelmed, and without Ken here to help me figure it all out. I am feeling much better today, because it's Sunday. I love Sundays, they are the last day of the week (or first on many calendars) either way they are the last day of rest and fun before you start up your week at school and work. I also love Sundays because for me they are full of friends and church family, I start my day at church and often end it there as well. My parents and family do not attend church but they too have Sunday traditions, we usually have my Aunt and Uncle and their small children over for lunch/supper when I get home from church, and after supper we have family time, weather that be watching a movie, playing a board game, or vollyball in the backyard in the summer. I love Sunday.

I especially love this Sunday as I get to see Ken again tonight, and he gets to join in with my family, which I know he enjoys almost as much as I do. So although I am still not perfect, or back to normal, still confused and overwhelmed, I love Sundays, and I love Ken. So today is a good day.

Insanity to Sanity and back again

This is from Thursday Night, however I wasn't able to get online to post it :) So here it is now!

I flew back to Ontario this morning, my flight was at 8:50 am Pacific time and I arrived at the Airport at 5:05 pm Standard time. It was a lot of travelling because from the Airport my Dad and I then drove back to my parent’s house and arrived at 9:00 pm. On top of that I am having a really bad day emotionally, I have been in and out of tears all day. Texting Ken non-stop even though I know that he is out with family and friends all day today. He is so good to me though he has been patient and understanding all day and that has been really nice. I don’t know why I have been feeling like such a wreck today, I have several ideas bouncing around in my head.

The first one being that it has been a long week, I am tired and missing Ken and I have just had enough emotionally weather I like it or not. Ken and I spent a year of our relationship living in different cities four hours apart, and since he has moved to the city I have noticed that not seeing him for this amount of time (or even shorter) feels impossible, my mind reverts back to when I only got to see him about once a month and I start to almost panic, it’s like I have abandonment issues. However Ken has never abandoned me and I know I will see him again soon, it’s ridiculous I know but I do this sometimes.

The second on being that I have been reeaallly good lately, and when I say this it means not only have I not gotten in any trouble, I have also received no warnings, I haven’t gone anywhere close to being in trouble. I have legitimately been an Angel for the past week and a half. But, here’s the thing, it’s not by lack of trying. I have been trying so hard! I have been watching myself, and trying to be supportive and submissive in everything I do. It’s exhausting. I feel like I have to be perfect and I don’t know how to get out of it.  I know that sounds weird, and I love making Ken happy and that is what I am trying my hardest to do. But honestly I am miserable.

Today I have been feeling low, and upset with Ken for it, and feeling like “if only he…then I would feel better” and I know that none of what I am thinking is true, Ken has been trying his best to talk to me as much as he can this week and connect daily. So because I know this I found myself trying not to burden him with my feelings that I know would upset him. (Just so we are clear, if I were to express these feelings to him in no way would I be in trouble). He knows I am not having a good day, and he wants me to share my feelings with him and I just can’t bring myself to do it. This has never been an issue for me before, I am a pretty open book, and I defiantly speak my mind and let my feelings be heard, often without thinking about how they come across or how they make others feel. Now I am glad that I am starting to be more sensitive however this is something I don’t want to lose. I like that I am honest and open, especially with Ken.

Ken asked me earlier tonight, “Baby, why are you being so guarded” and “Baby, please stop blocking me out”…I have never heard either of those sentences before, and I have no idea what to do. I want to share with him how I am feeling even though I am confused. He also had to remind me a couple times tonight not to “beat myself up” and that my “feelings are legitimate they don’t have to make sense they are still important to him”…these again are things I don’t generally need a reminder on.

I was on and off crying through our conversation too, and I couldn’t explain why. I was feeling bad for making him concerned and I kept apologizing for crying and for taking up his time with this.

I am feeling a little bit better now, and I think everything that I have said is what is making me feel so off kilter not just one of the things. I am overwhelmed with everything that I am feeling and everything that has been going on in the last week already, and I am trying to be perfect on top of that. It’s just to much.

I am going to get Ken to read this blog post, and hopefully that will help him out, because he seems to be understanding this a little better than I am, Mr. Calm Cool and Collected over there.  But I would like him to know how I am feeling and it’s hard to try and spit this all out.

A couple other things: related but not at the same time. This striving to be perfect thing isn’t new for me, I am a perfectionist in many things that I do, and this has just never been one of them. And I don’t think that it is good thing that it is becoming one. But here’s the thing, I am stubborn and determined so I got it in my head that I was not going to get into any trouble for 30 days, and I have been diligently devoted to that, but I am not ready for that yet. Ken and I just started back into DD two months ago, in many ways it is like we are back to square one, doing it all over again with new knowledge.

I need to be in this with Ken, and doing this challenge, although I think it’s an amazing idea, I have been doing it alone. I have been focusing all of my energy on what I need to do to stay out of trouble, and none on how Ken could help me, or how we could do it together. I don’t know how much sense that last part made, but I hope you understand what I am saying.

I am still trouble free, and I like that, but I am not going to make this wonderful thing that Ken and I have into something that I must be perfect at. We are learning together and I like that, although it can be rough and often I find myself over his knee. I want to trust him with me, all of me. Ken can handle a little trouble now and then, heck! It might even be good for him! Hehe. It certainly is good for me.

Ps. In reference to my last post Ken has decided that when we are away from each other for any length of time he is going to spank me before I/ he goes, and when we get back to each other.  At first I was not happy with this decision, I found it unfair that I had been so great and I was going to get spanked anyways. I felt like “then what am I being so good for?!” and then I remembered that he is not against me, we are a team and he knows what’s best for me. So, that is our new system. He called it a “sanity spanking” I asked whose sanity? And he laughed and told me both of ours. 

Confusion

Okay so the following post will not make very much sense, I am confused and this is me trying to express what it is I am feeling, but honestly I don't know what that is. A couple things to note before reading. One I hate being punished I know we all do but I am just putting it out there. I hate when I get spanked, and I hate when I feel like I have made Ken feel any way other than delighted. Earlier today I was talking to a friend and we discussed how when our "HOH" reminds us how in Ken's words "I don't treat you this was I don't understand why you think it is okay" completely breaks us, and it's true it does. I enjoy making him proud of me and I really do respect him and want to submit to him. Two, I am not good at submitting, it's not natural for me (well it doesn't feel natural) generally I am in some sort of trouble at least every three days or so, and I wish that wasn't true. Third, Ken gets me, he understand things about how I am feeling and what I need even when sometimes I don't, and I have a love hate relationship with that ability. Forth, I am not the best writer (lol, but I write a blog) I try though, I really enjoy reading other DD blogs and the way those women are able to articulate themselves and make you understand what you were thinking is amazing to me, and I don't think I have that at this point. With all of that said this is what I wrote about half an hour ago and I have chosen not to even re-read it because it is how I was/am feeling.

Earlier today I wrote a blog post about how I am feeling much like "a ticking bomb" This is a first for             me...but this is the longest time I have gone without being in trouble as well (it's been about a week) I am really proud of myself and I really want this streak to continue for as long as possible. The rules that Ken has in place for me are important to me and I hate to let him down.

 On that note I am starting to feel well, confused really by everything I am feeling so here we go. I am anxious, upset, happy, irritated, controlled but mostly confused. This post isn't making any sense I know and I am sorry for that but right now I am not making any sense (if you know what I mean). Up until now I didn't think that DD was something I needed it is something I want for Ken and I because I know that it brings us closer together and to some degree our relationship needs it. And I guess I knew that I needed his dominance, and rules set in place, and a foundation from him and all of the things that this special relationship we have provides. I guess what I am saying is that I didn't know that I needed to be spanked in order to stay sane...and I am still not completely convinced that is true. 

I am so confused. Anyways I have tried my best to convey this to Ken, and I think he understands what I am trying to say better than I do haha so I have asked him to help me (Ken likes it when I do that, ask for his help, even though I know he will give it to me anyways) So he said he wants to think his decisions through and we will talk about it tomorrow. 

 I am both relieved and worried. also confusing. gah. 

Okay, Thankyou for reading this far haha, I appreciate it . A couple things to note after reading this. One, I technically have gone about two months without a spanking. You see, as some of you may know, Ken and I stopped "practicing DD" for about eight weeks, two months ago. It was different though because we were not in DD, I was angry when we stopped so was he, I had no interest in doing it again and I didn't think he did either (that is all in a different blog post however) the point is when we did "start again" it was different, so for the most part I feel like we have only been doing this for two months. Also during the break there were a million things distracting me from the thought of DD. When those million things subsided Ken introduced DD back into our relationship rather swiftly.

I would really love to hear some opinions on this post, and again Thank you for reading this far!

So Good, its Bad

So I have been really good for the past week or so, and that's great right!?
But not! Here is a little conversation from earlier today:

Hello Darling, how are you this morning

Really good! I have been shopping all morning


You have been so good lately! I am so proud of you, you deserve a good day of shopping!

Awe Thanks Baby!

yeah it's great so far right?! More conversation just chatting about our days...

Baby?


Yeah

You know how I have been really good lately?


Yeah, of course *worried tone*

I feel like I am going to explode


You want to be bad?

No!   I just feel like I am going to rip your head off is all 
I want to be good, I just feel like a ticking bomb is all


I know how to fix that

Really? How (very hopeful)


I will just have to spank you

:| humphh